|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Mari W. Henry Email Mari As a prior |
Turkey Honeymoon “Sweetie, now that I am banded, like the good little ducky that I am, when do you want to get married?” “Umm, well lets see,” David said. “We have dove season, which starts the first of September, and then teal season jumps right in there. Can’t miss that. Oh, and beginning in October is deer season, which goes till February, and then waterfowl season. Oh and can’t forget deer season in the fall. Of course, my all time favorite, turkey season, is in April. Gosh and then there are the bass and redfish tournaments. We can’t miss those. Oh and remember we talked about going to Florida to chase Tarpon. Sweetie, whatever date you want in between those times is fine with me.” Jeez, let’s see.. What? That leaves two hours left in the calendar year? I knew this was going to be challenging but I guess I should have studied the Texas Wildlife calendar a bit closer. “Oh and Baby, don’t forget we were planning on going turkey hunting for your birthday again in May ! We could even try for the grand slam.” Jiminy Cricket! This is going to be a scheduling nightmare “Okay, well how about we kill two birds with one stone and get married during turkey season and that way we can go turkey hunting for our honeymoon?” “What? David said. What did you say? Funny, I thought I heard you say that you wanted to go turkey hunting for our honeymoon?” “That is right. I did.” “On the same trip? Turkey hunting and honeymoon on the same trip? After our marriage?” David repeated. “Yep” “Turkey hunting? Up at 4:30 am, and back again for a second hunt at 5:00 pm? For THE honeymoon? OUR honeymoon?” “ Yes, yes, yes………….. turkey hunting for our honeymoon. Is that a problem?’ Ah Jeez maybe he is right. Did I say turkey hunting? What is wrong with me? Have I lost my honeymoon etiquette sense? What will womanhood think? How will I explain this? I will be banished forever from the gender for being a traitor to the honeymoon cause. I will be hung by the nearest tree by my lanyard. But gosh darn it, this is MY honeymoon and I want to go turkey hunting. Now mind you, I am not going camping. There will be a soft bed, dinner served and of course the appropriate chardonnay for an evening of relaxing after turkey hunting. Now let’s see where to go. Where is there great hunting with all the other needed amenities? Oh and I am going to have to do some turkey hunting shopping. I will need one of those nifty vests that has one of those built in butt busters and of course one of those face masks so the turkey doesn’t see the whites of your eyes. And I need to learn how to make that yelping sound that those hens make calling those gobblers in. I wonder if I can learn to do that in a couple months time. Oh and let’t not forget, the snake boot; I am not going to make that mistake again. We arrive at the perfect honeymoon destination sporting my wedding gift; a beautiful 12 gauge camo Mossberg shotgun with a really cool pistol grip. I proudly recall the gasps from my guests as I opened my wedding gift with the most notable comment from my fourteen year old nephew remarking to his Dad, “Man that is just not fair! I would date him if he would buy me a 12 gauge shotgun like that!” “Baby, we need to go and site in your shotgun.” David said. “Sweetie don’t you want to check out our room? Relax for a bit and… you know…?” “Nah, we have all kinds of time for that I am dying to see how this baby patterns on the range.” After a few adjustments, my new shotgun is right on the money. The turkey gun machine-those Tom Toms, don’t have a prayer. “Okay, Sweetie, Now can we go see our room and sit on our veranda and have a toast? What do you say?” “Hey Baby, one more minute.” David said. Let’s go in and talk to the guides about where we are going to go and what the lay of the land is.” Ugh! As the patty hits the ground with a thud, the guide informs me, “The animals won’t eat that sausage-on-steroids.” Well that is all the affirmation that I need! What the animal world won’t touch is good enough for me. At 5 am, dark and eerie, there is little that is decipherable as we trudge through the woods. Gad, what was that strange sound? I wonder if coyotes sneak up on you from behind with visions of female cinnamon buns for breakfast. Crap! I can’t see a thing. I want to be in charge of the flashlight. Why do guys always have control of the important stuff-- the TV remote, the credit card, the…. Yikes! what was that? I just stepped in something wet and gooe! “Yeah David, look out! Don’t touch that!” “For crying out loud, Baby. You scared me to death! I thought it was a snake or something. A little poison oak won’t hurt ya” Right! Well you are not going to catch me sitting next to that stuff, before you know it you are lathered with white stuff all over you….not on my honeymoon. I did not bargain for a honeymoon of scratching and itching. And since you are the other half of this honeymoon program, you can’t get it either. Darned guys, they think they are invincible. Oh Lordy! Finally, I get to sit down on my one-size-fits-all turkey vest butt cushion. Stupid manufacturers! They think all turkey hunters are the size of Paul Bunyan. Morons! A small child could fit in the space between the bottom of the vest-which hangs to my knees while the top sloughs off my shoulders. Yet, you are not going to hear me complain. I am going to be the good little turkey wife. Just sit down dutifully and yank it from under your chin to thwart that impending choking. One day when I win the lottery I am going to design a line of clothing for the female huntress. It will have pockets for my lipstick, crackers and shotgun shells, a zip- in zip- out lining to keep you warm on those dewy mornings and a therapeutic cushion constructed just for that boney part of a gurlz bum. YES we have a boney part! All-rightee-then. Just enough time to snuggle up to David under this tree while the sun comes up. I bet he will want to smooch until the gobblers wake up. How romantic to smooch under the mist, listening to birds chirping, wind fluttering and the dawn breaking over the hill. Now this is turkey hunting! “Okay Baby, I am going to take a little nap.” David said. “Keep your eyes peeled and listen for those gobblers. Let me know if you hear or see anything. Not much wind so you should be able to hear pretty good.” WHAT? David! You can’t go to sleep, this is our honeymoon morning! No sleeping! Gosh darn it! Why am I always the look out? And what about some smooching? This is not how I planned it at all. Whose idea was this,s anyway, to go turkey hunting for our honeymoon? Oh yeah, mine. Stupid, dumb, wifeygurl. Oh, I just remembered those handy-dandy crackers with cream cheese filling. Yummy “Baby, shhh! David scolded. “You cannot make all that noise with those cracker wrappers. You are going to tip off the gobblers. We got here early so that we could blend in, not bring attention to ourselves. Oh, and that ring of yours, is like a beacon; you had better take that off-it is sending SOS signals every time you move your hand and it hits the sun.” Like that snoring that you do sounds like any normal noises in the woods. Firs,t there is the guttural sound, only to be followed by the exhaled whistle. I don’t know any lions and tigers and bears that sound like that. Golly, a gurl can’t have any fun. “No way, I am not taking off my ring and that is final! I will put on my gloves.” I told him! There are just some things, that, as a wife are simply non- negotiable. Hunting or not. “Okay, then let’s see if we can get some chit-chat going with these old gobblers.” “Holy matrimony, David, what is that thing that you are putting in your mouth?” “It is called a diaphragm” A what? I thought I married a conservative? You really should have disclosed such things prior to the marriage. Why wasn’t this discussed in our premarital counseling? That does not sound like hunting equipment to me. “Okay, let me work the slate then.” I said. “ Uhh, Baby, no, no, Baby, that is not right. David scolded. “You have to put it like this, shorter, harder…. here, let me have that! You are going to confuse the gobblers.” Okay that does it! I am going to pout! First the flashlight, then no smooching, no crackers, remove your ring and now you will not let me operate the slate? I am not having any fun. “ Listen! Did you hear that?” David whispered. Oh-boy, oh-boy---we got a live one. Come on big fella, come see what we got.” Oh goodi-goodie. ♫A turkey hunting we will go. A turkey hunting we will go. High-Ho a merr- oh. A turkey hunting we will go.♫ David issues a kee-kee, and the turkey responds with a cluck. David answers back with a yelp. Tommy the gobbler demands that we identify ourselves. After singing and dancing with Tom for an hour in half, suddenly the world as we know it goes silent. Nothing. “Where did he go? Why did he stop talking?” I asked. “Well Baby, sometimes they do that and you don’t know if they are frustrated or if they are sneaking up on ya. Let’s hold tight and see what happens.” Umm, this is interesting; my heart rate is increasing, the palms of my hands are sweaty, my mouth is going dry and my eyes are darting from bush to bush looking for that booger. Hold your shotgun steady. RED!, I see red peeking up over the bush! Steady, for the love of Pete, hold that darn gun steady. Jam it into your cheek if you have to. Shhh, click….safety off. There he is, right behind that bush, red and bothered. Now? Do I have him? Should I pull the trigger now? No no wait wait…come on out just a little farther. Don’t breath so loud, he will hear you. Now!, now! Pull the trigger! BOOM! Holy CRAP! CRAP CRAP CRAP! He is up and running in the other direction. Sweet Mar, I missed! How is that possible? He was so close. You missed! You are no turkey wife! You are a disgrace to the ranks of turkey wives. This is not right! This is not how the story goes. My honeymoon turkey is running the other way. He should be dead. That fan of feathers running up the field is mine. Come back! Come bac!. Replay, replay! I want a replay! I am doomed! It is all over. My life as Mrs. Henry was sweet while it lasted, but short-lived. After less than 24 hours, Mr. Henry will ask for an annulment on the grounds of incompetent irreconcilable turkey shooting. As a turkey wife, I am guilty of missing a sure thing less than, well, I can’t even bring myself to say the distance. I am without a defense with the most pathetic shooting ability ever. “Oh, Baby, did you see his head? It was crimson red? David said. “I missed! I am a loser!” “Hey Sweetheart, we have all missed. It was a good try. Don’t worry about it. It has happened to all of us. Was your heart beating out of your chest?” Did he say, don’t worry about it? He is not going to get an annulment? “Yes, yes, did you hear it? I couldn’t breathe. Well, I could breathe, but I was holding my breath…well not really holding my breathe more like just shallow breaths….but then my hands were shaking so bad and I was trying to hold the gun steady so I thought if I hold my breath that would help but I don’t think that helped because…I must not have held my breath enough or correctly ‘cause when I pulled the trigger and well really my hands were so sweaty and with my heart beating so fast I am sure that turkey heard me anyway and then well in the end it really did not matter if I held my breath or my hands were sweaty or my heart was beating too loud ‘cause your dumb wife missed!” “Why are you laughing, David? Stop it! It is not funny! There is nothing funny about this. I wanted that turkey, he was mine. I had him and I blew it! I stink! You should trade me in on a new model.” “Baby, isn’t turkey hunting the best?” David chuckled. It is funny because it always the ones that you miss that you remember. Welcome to the Club of Lamenters’.” “Well, I don’t want to a member of that club. I never asked to be apart of that club. I loathe that club. “Baby, everyone, one day or another, becomes a member of that club.” Well tomorrow it is going to be different. Sweetie, you need to stop laughing and get a bit more serious about this turkey hunting. This isn’t just any hunt-- this is our honeymoon turkey hunt. We need to get out here about 4:30 am tomorrow and set up. We need to get to bed early, no staying up late and drinking wine and fooling around. You are a bad influence. I going to be sharp and on my toes for this sucker tomorrow.
|
